I have more time at my disposal since completing my degree and certification. I’m not sure how to adapt to that, however. The last two weeks have been a blur without much structure or thought in how I spend my time. I’ve spent more hours doom-scrolling and looking at my budget and debt payoff plan than I should admit. I recognize that I need to give myself ideas and some sort of structure to my days beyond meals, work, and cancer.
My short-term disability ended on July 1. Transitioning back to work hasn’t been the easiest, but I’m so grateful for the added structure to my routine. The first week went pretty well with breakfast and walks in the morning. I spent much of my evenings catching up with people I love. The second week, though, didn’t go as well. I found that I am more tired than I anticipated with an increase in my seizure medication. That fatigue is making it harder to get up and accomplish what I need to do for my health in the morning.
What does that look like? A morning walk, healthy breakfast, journaling or sorting my to-dos at a minimum, and logging into work feeling ready for the day.
That doesn’t seem like too much, but it’s been a struggle for me. In part, I live each day with a cloud of worry and concern about what may come, and while I am so filled with gratitude to wake up each day and smile through any bumps in the road, the cloud is heavy. There’s a complexity that comes with an incurable cancer diagnosis. Our goal is to manage the disease in such a way to give me as many moments as possible. I face that reality each day, too. The juxtaposition between the emotions can be stifling, suffocating, and paralyzing.
It’s the moving beyond paralyzing where I struggle. Some mornings, simply having the right music to fuel movement is enough. For others, it isn’t. Acknowledging this beyond the confines of a journal for my eyes is the first step in changing what is into what I desire.
What does tomorrow morning hold? I’m not sure. I look forward to finding out.
Mysti: Beginning Again 